i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
