please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
