Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Redeem this text for a blowjob
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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