Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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