just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
