Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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