That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
