he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
