And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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