so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
