Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
