Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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