Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
