He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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