If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
