just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
