I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
