I'm so fucking centered right now
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
