I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
