It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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