Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
