Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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