why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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