Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
