They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
