This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
