i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
