Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
