i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
