the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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