it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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