I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
