having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
bring money and cleavage
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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