I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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