You smell like stripper and shame
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize