Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
