The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
