Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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