Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
