I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
