Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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