Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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