the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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