You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
