I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
