Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
