1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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