Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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