So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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