We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So much Jack, so little girl.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
