Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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