she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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