I'm going to jail i love you
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
