My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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