dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
