I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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